Today I’m swiping dog jokes from around the internets. The first set is a series of questions that dogs ask God. The P.S. made me bark out loud! I stole this from Dog Breed Info. I love their site, but I didn’t know they were so funny!
TO: GOD, FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the “Chrysler Eagle” the “Chrysler Beagle”?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a ”face towel.”
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello.”
8. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house—not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
I adore this list! It’s brilliant! This next joke was so predictable. Until I got to the end. 😉 It’s from Jokes 4 All.
Bartender: “Yeah! Sure … go ahead.”
Man: “What covers a house?”
Man: “How does sandpaper feel?”
Man: “Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”
Man: “Pay up. I told you he could talk.”
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, “or is the greatest player Mantle?”
Y’all, this next list made me laugh so hard. I’m southern, married to a Connecticut Yankee. That varmint. And I really do want to cover all the breeds in the next year or two, so this list is very helpful. Source for this is the Joke Archives.
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs
To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference between Yankees and Southerners…
- (Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg
- (Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg
- (Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) “Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg”
- (Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches
- (Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg
- (Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.
- (Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol’ Yeller Dawg
- (Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin’ Dawg
- (Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin’ Dawg
- (Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg
- (Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs
- (Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg
- (Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg
- (Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Weenie Dawg
- (Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin’ Dawg
- (Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) “What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?”
- (Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg
- (Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin’ Dawg
- (Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin’ Dawg
- (Yankee) Any dog that’s dead & buried & gone to the Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had…
I just needed a laugh today. I thought maybe some of y’all did too. Dog jokes seemed to be the way to go. Christmas is coming, and with it stress. Hoping to make merry here more often between now and Christmas. Give your dog a hug, take it out for a walk and a game of fetch. Enjoy your day! And don’t forget to enter Jones Natural Chews Canine Christmas Crunchers giveaway. Your dog will smile all week!
Spreading the good chews …
P.S. Today’s post is gently recycled. A good joke is a good joke. And a good treat is a good treat.